


Highway to Hell

by Pandalone



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man - All Media Types
Genre: Afterlife, Crack, Fun, Gen, Humor, Temporary Character Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-01
Updated: 2019-04-01
Packaged: 2019-12-30 08:44:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 830
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18312191
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pandalone/pseuds/Pandalone
Summary: Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore was not amused.





	Highway to Hell

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own any of the recognisable characters in this work.
> 
> So. I was just trying to work on my writing, and this happened. Whatever "this" is. It's short, silly, not very logical, and I had a lot of fun writing it.   
> No Peter Parker was harmed in the making of this fic.
> 
> Enjoy :)

Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore was not amused.

Straightening to his full height, he glared over his half-moon glasses.

“Are you quite certain? Surely there must be a misunderstanding.” He was careful to keep his voice soft and reasonable, but his electric blue eyes were shooting thunderbolts. He had used this strategy countless times, as it generally worked. The toughest, meanest, scariest men and women on Earth had been properly cowered this way.  
The little man in the middle of the metaphorical storm did not blink. He went on shuffling the monstrous mountain of documents crowding his desk.  
“Albus Dumbledore, you said your name was? Yes sir, it says it right here, black on white, no misunderstanding. You’re expected in Hell in…” He looked at a nondescript watch on his wrist. “…aah, almost one year ago apparently. I see you managed to avoid the system until now. Congratulations! You’re one of the smart ones. Alright, just take the door on your left. It’s easy, it’s …” He was interrupted by a timid knock. Frowning, he answered. 

“Yes?”

A door opened just enough to let through the head of a young man with messy hair and a lost look on his face.

“Hello? Sorry, I hope I’m not disturbing! It’s just…”

The little man stood up behind his desk.

“Mr Parker! How in Heaven did you end up here? You’re not even supposed to be dead yet! I swear, the youth of today is so impatient…” He shook his head as he pushed a button on the table. 

“Uuuuhhh, well, I’m really sorry. It wasn’t very well indicated. Oh my god, sorry! I…I didn’t mean to sound rude!”

The boy stepped in the room hesitantly, revealing a garish outfit of red and blue, with lines of black all over, reminiscent of a spiderweb. Albus felt his eyebrows rise on his forehead. And they called his wardrobe outlandish…

“No harm done, young man, no harm done! Maintenance has been going through a bit of a rough time lately. Ah John, here you are!”

A tall man wearing a long white robe made his entrance.

“Yes, you called?” The newcomer’s eyes widened significantly as they fell on the boy named Parker, who seemed as surprised as ever.  
“Yes. That. Could you escort this young gentleman back to the visitor area, so he can wait with the others while they fix that ridiculous hiccup in his world?”  
“Certainly. If you would come with me, Mr Parker…” He put a gentle hand on the boy’s shoulder, leading him kindly towards the door.

“Oh, and since we’re at it, doing some fanservice and all…” the tall man started softly, “…would you mind terribly if we made a small detour? I know Mary would be delighted to meet you. Maybe you could give her an autograph as well, if it’s not too much trouble? She admires your work, you know.”

The boy looked up, a little bewildered.

“Uuh, yeah sure…um I mean, yes.”  
“Wonderful! Oh, just a word of warning though, do not be surprised if she start on a small rant about not sacrificing yourself so readily just for the sake of other, taking better care of yourself, and all that jazz… Young men trying to save the world by putting themselves in deadly situations is kind of a sore spot for her. But well, who would blame her, am I right? Just stay silent, and nod to everything she says. That’s what He does…”

The door started closing on them, and the boy’s exclamation could still be heard.

“Wait! Waitwaitwaitwait! Are you talking about the Mary?!”

The short man closed the door firmly before he made his way back to the desk, shaking his head slightly. Sitting back in his chair, he started rearranging his papers.  
“Pardon the interruption. Now, as I was saying, take this other door, on your left, and it will lead you to your new residence. Appropriate accommodations have been made, but if you find yourself unsatisfied with anything, please do feel free to moan about it as loud as possible. Our staff take their duty to heart and will surely feel rewarded to see their work rightfully appreciated.”

His stack of paper straightened to satisfaction, he pushed a pair of round gold-circled spectacles up his nose, adjusted the ample sleeves of his blinding white robe and joined his hands on the table, looking serenely at his fuming interlocutor. 

“Now young man, do run along, I’m afraid you are not the only one dying around here.”

Albus had always been of a contemplative and curious nature. As his brain was slowly going through the process of overheating, the weathered wizard found himself pondering on an intriguing hypothesis. Supposing you were already in the realm of the dead, was murder still a possibility? And in the eventuality that it was, would this little worm’s superiors reward him for ridding them of his snide existence? With a one-way ticket to Heaven, perhaps?


End file.
